


tell me why

by rubberslippers



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Very much in the Wolfstar universe.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:47:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26059738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubberslippers/pseuds/rubberslippers
Summary: Lily lets James push her away. She has helplessly watched him sink into depression. But what will we she do now, with all the love that's still left?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Kudos: 11





	tell me why

Lily turned the key into the door with a sigh. Lately, the constant rain and dampness had seeped into her assessment of life, and she couldn’t help but resent the roughness of the rust against her palm. She fumbled into the dark foyer and shook off the raindrops in her hair, with a rigor her cat would have been proud of. But Clover wasn’t here. James had taken it with her the last time he had visited. And there it was – the grey melancholy that took a second to descend every time her mind wandered into his arms. Appearances were deceptive, but she had felt the weight of her feelings, measured them in the length of his inhales and depth of his embraces. Feelings weren’t fleeting, she had decided. Yet he absconded. With his (her?) cat. She moved around her own house silently, orchestrating the quiet as a contrast to the loud sighs of people dying, the crack of bones crunching, the war that she’d shut the door on. A couple of weeks ago, James had broken a teacup from a set that belonged to her mother- she hadn’t even noticed, given the cacophony that Sirius and Remus had drummed up in the living room. He had told her when they were doing the dishes, handing her the magically restored cup with the story. She had smiled. The curtains had been drawn apart, the white foggy sky trickling in through the windows. Now it brought dread. The Order wouldn’t tell her what mission he had been assigned to, when he would be back, if he was alive. She kept running into mouths drawn into grim lines.

***

When Clover died, she had been too overwhelmed to bury it herself. James had floo-ed in on short notice, dark circles and purple bruises, to comfort her. She had cried into his neck, rubbing firm circles through the scruff on his face, willing his calm to burn into her fingers. When her heaving had dissipated into occasional sobs, he had gotten up off the sofa, kneeled down by the table where the cat was laid, softly caressed his ears and put him in a wooden box he had Transfigured for the occasion. Not a single word was spoken. There was no going back. He was there only because Marlene was in the hospital and Alice was out on a mission. He was there, because once upon a time he had found a black, stray kitty shivering on the street outside her flat and couldn’t bear to see it cold. “Just until tomorrow, till it knows joy again”, he had argued convincingly. She had huffed and puffed, conceded and loved the cat for four years. She had called him because he knew this was no ordinary loss – in the weeks since they split up, the cat was her only friend. Burying it read like a hard full stop on their relationship. After he left with the box, she cried for days.

***

It all seemed so nonsensical. She had apparated into his flat, fresh from a week long mission. He had joined her an hour later, in pain from the Skele-grow they fed him to make his toe bones grow back. There had been no preamble. He had decided for them. Alice had been captured a week earlier and he couldn’t bear to go through what Frank was, lost and half crazy from fear and grief. Besides, maybe it would be harder to target them if they weren’t always together. Lily had no breath to convey her utter shock, the betrayal clicking cold and heavy in her brain. Without a preamble, she had bundled up her cat into her coat, Accio-ed her belongings and walked out into the rain.

***

And so it began, what she thought was the de-escalation of their relationship. It couldn’t come to an end because of how he’d sucker punched her. She couldn’t stop looking for him at every Order meeting, tuning into conversations in the background where his name was used. She needed Sirius and Remus and Peter to bring her hugs and entertainment. The bags under her eyes grew as she borrowed time from her sleep to list all the questions she had wanted to yell in his face: “How would I feel if you were taken?”, “Stop being a paternalistic bastard, you wimp”, “Was I that easy to leave behind?”, “Would you rather die alone than be with me?”. Gradually the anger melted into reluctance, and she had refused to follow him with her eyes when he left the table. The friends she still had were tainted with what _they_ used to be. She withdrew into the rhythm of potions boiling and wands swishing, no longer twitching under the weight of his stare. Until the morning sickness roused her from the humdrum violent routine she had set for herself.

***

She had found out precisely 4 days ago, when she had visited Marlene at St Mungo’s for her stomach bug. “Apparently its more of a stomach baby”, she had said, grinning widely (and nudging Lily to encourage her perpetually lame humour). It had taken a few more tries for Lily to stop asking for a re-test and accept that she was, knocked up. The math worked – the last time she had gotten action was 5 weeks ago. But she saw the world in darker tones now. How could she bring a child into this hopeless world with no one to support her unconditionally? She could barely take care of herself of late. And would she want to share it with someone who could walk away any second? She had asked Marlene to keep it to herself. She hadn’t yet made up her mind on what to do with the baby. So she set out to find where he was, to tell him what she hoped she would have decided by then.

***

She remembered that day clearly. Air that didn’t reek of death, a well tended garden, and the warmth of James’ ancestral home. The cold, clammy alertness she had clung onto for the few days she was on ground had seemed distant. She had seen Severus torture an Order member with a sadistic certainty that she couldn’t shake off. Those days in James’ house were a refreshing reprieve, a glimpse into the life she could have lived. They had the good wine uncorked at noon. James had surrounded her with himself; decorating her with kisses under the nape of her neck while she did the dishes, hooking his feet behind hers under the table on which they played Wizard Chess, grabbing onto her hips when she tried to fly away on her broom. He had laved her with attention and regaled her with stories from his childhood. She had felt the need to give him the happiness he had, to make a family with this wonderful man in the just future they were earning. She was wrapped around his rough, callused fingers. He had unzipped her dress in the kitchen, sat her on the counter and licked away her frustration in swirling circles. She had pushed him back so hard he had fallen straight into the dining table, tipped off his tippy toes. His cock was welcomed into her sopping cunt, and she had ridden him into a rainbow. She remembered how much she had liked his cum inside her, how he had gone down on her again right after, and then kissed her till their tongues weren’t so sticky anymore. She had thought she could have eternity with him. It hurt to remember. She knew if he showed up on her doorstep, she wouldn't be able to stop feeling the same feelings.

***

Wherever she found happiness, doom trailed not far behind. His mother had died a week later of Dragon Pox. Alice had been taken hostage, and Frank had leaned heavily on James. She had tried to be there for him, but how could she, not knowing where he was posted for six days a week? He had seemed so numb and far away, refusing to talk about his pain or the horrors of war like the other Marauders. “It’s so Gryffindor”, she had thought, assuming he would feel better with time. But when she realized that he wasn’t improving, she started looking for therapists and potions which would help him feel easier in his mind. He had turned her away. When they had split up, she had to finally acknowledge the distance between them.

***

Earlier in the day, she visited his apartment to see if he was there. She had written another letter explaining her situation which she intended to leave at his doorstep. At the sight of the familiar metal door, her hope and anger deserted her. She walked past it like a disinterested tourist. She hoped none of the Marauders saw her, because her appearance in these parts was so rare recently they would surely interpret it as a cause for alarm. She couldn’t muster telling him what she was about to do, what she was feeling, because she knew he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. This would only bring him crashing to the ground. She loved him too much to cause him this much pain.

***

When she walked into her apartment, exhausted and miserable, she didn’t notice the extra coat on the hanger, the pillows on her sofa lying askew. She made a beeline for her room, to wash the day off of her. A crashing sound from the kitchen activated the Auror in her, and she silently crept towards it, wand out, ready to attack. A black haired man, with his back turned to her, stood chanting “Reparo” with a jabby hand movement which indicated he had never really got the hang of the spell and was annoyed by it. He turned around to her footsteps, and looked her directly in the eye. She was out of words, but not out of tears. Lily drew herself up to her tallest, and whispered “James?”. James dropped the cup. The past couple of weeks had stretched his skin closer to the bone. She couldn’t help but notice that his eyes were lighter, wiser. “Lily” he said in his gentle timber. “How did you know?”. “Marlene told Sirius. He told me.” Lily shook her head at her own naïveté ; Marlene must have been looking out for her when she couldn't look out for herself. James continued, “I was being a paternalistic wanker. The last few weeks were just too difficult and I let them get to me. You deserve better.” Lily let the silence stretch, fighting herself to hold onto her fury, waiting to see where it took them. “ I want to be better for you. I’m sorry for what I’ve put you through. You were there for me but I was too lost to see it.” Too cautious to forgive, Lily stamped on the dance in her stomach and asked “But what am I to do when I lose you again? Do I just wait for you to walk all over me, come back and then walk out again? I can’t bring a child into this cycle, James.” He was quiet for a minute, before he said “Lily, I never saw my mother’s death coming. It was a loss I still can’t fathom. I needed time to process it. The only person I have left for family is you - and truth be told I am here only for you. I came straight from the mission because I couldn't stand to live with myself. I love you and I will support whatever you want to do with this pregnancy." Lily couldn't deny the firmness in his voice, the sincerity in his words, the familiar devotion in his eyes. "Also, Remus pushed me into counselling, with the witch you had suggested. I wish I'd done it sooner. But I'm steady now." This is what she had wanted to hear. The most alienating part of the break-up was the shame she nursed for not pushing him enough. Now she knew that he wanted to change, and was changing. Now she knew she had back-up. The grief that had been constricting her breathing evaporated. She stepped forward, close enough to feel his body heat. She had missed him. Watery hazel met apple green. She put a hand on his shoulder, he put a hand around her waist. “I love you” she murmured against his lips.


End file.
